Fate is cruel. I woke this turn, as I have the past several times I slept since the fog that clouded my mind lifted, I woke in tears. On my mind the last memory I have from before the fog descended on my mind. It was almost a year ago now.... I think. It was summerfaire and I was attending a garden dance. I was there alone happily visiting with friends, then my beloved came and took me in his arms. I didn't know he could dance, and I am pretty sure I stepped on his toes, but being held by him, I remember thinking my life was perfect. How I would have clinged to him, and that moment if I knew it would be the last I would have.

Hard to know what to say to people now. I've been detached from life for so long I feel like a newbie again. I miss the confidence I once had in life, in myself. I miss being able to sleep, I feel like the bags under my eyes are going to swallow me whole soon. I fear sleeping now, but it still overtakes me, the dreams change, running to people I love, but they are always out of my reach Abayde's laughter filling my head, or lost in a dark place that I do not know, stumbling, knees and hands full of scrapes and bruises, and bloody from stumbling and falling over things while I search for something, something that even I don't even know what it is. Alone. At one time I had someone I would have reached out to, to discuss all this, to make me feel better, but it feels wrong reaching out to him to share something so personal now, now that he is not mine. And all my other close friends I would talk to have been asleep so long I don't know if they will ever wake again.